The Bunce.


Reader, I have experienced a relatively quiet week for a change !!!!
Monday - I took the time to personally sign and hand-out copies of the latest Report from the Ministry for Holism. At just over six pages in length and only £19.99 (£16.99 with concession) it must be read and the crowds turned out as expected to be the first to read my theories on not only how everything works but how it can be improved. I am blessed with the ability to take extremely complex theories and concepts and dumb them down sufficiently so that the masses can understand something that would otherwise be utterly beyond them. *Crowds gather for Jamie* Tuesday - Set off to enhance life in a refugee camp in Northern Pakistan. Most have lived in oppression for twenty years and now find themselves without basic provisions and services such as food, bathing facilities, fitness centres, Starbucks coffee bars and multiplex cinemas. Wednesday - Rebuilt a school, two libraries, three communal living halls and seventeen Allied Military bases destroyed by U.S. Friendly fire. The rebuilding work was accomplished with only a small box of tools left to me by my grandfather when he so tragically passed away the opportunity to receive am MBE by retiring from the Post Office’s Engineering divison two years short of his 25 years service. Thursday – More hungry faces seen in two than I had in three years of visiting the Commons’ canteen. Decided to sort it by preparing 1500 portions of ‘Banksies BBQ Bangers’. I Invented the recipe one day whilst preparing a light lunch for Gordon Ramsay at my Kensington weekend retreat. Gordon had expressed his disillusionment with food in general and said that ‘no truly great food’ was being prepared in the kitchens of England anymore. To prove him wrong I emptied my cupboards of every ingredient and lit my all-weather barbecue.. I have included the recipe here for completeness (to make 8 Banksies BBQ Bangers) 0.5Kg Pork Meat, 2 large onions, 4 Jalapeno peppers, a sprig of parsley, 14 Tablespoons of chilli powder, 6 cloves of garlic, 8 spoonfuls of marmite, 4 pints of whipping cream and 2 pints of Tennents special brew. (empty everything into a blender and set on full speed for exactly 34 seconds). Take the paste and mould onto Kebab skewers. Ramsay left speechless (it’s widely believed that he has never opened his mouth again). Got a good barbecue going by burning a large pile of Bibles that had been left by some Missionaries who had also succumbed to friendly fire. Bangers ready in batches of 50 every six minutes. The Afghans claimed not to eat pork or drink alcohol but I found that a thirty second lecture from me on the dangers of malnutrition had them eating them from the palm of my hand. Friday – Using only a childs seaside bucket and spade, single handedly cleared up 1500 cases of dysentery. I have reported the Christian Brothers out there to the UN for handing out unsanitary Nutrient Bars. Monday week 2 I occupied MY first few moments before breakfast buying 70% of the stock in Marconi at 6.5 pence a share. After a light breakfast of grapefruit juice and croissants, home baked to perfection by myself ( of course) , I re-nationalised British Rail, turning it into the transportation wonder of the developed world before reversing the fortunes of Marconi and the British shipbuilding industry. By Lunchtime Marconi was trading at £ 15.34 a share and I single handedly built and launched a new maritime fleet, the likes of which have been unseen since just before the 1914-18 war.For a small diversion before elevenses I flattened Coventry, rebuilt it and turned it into the architectural wonder of Western Europe, introduced lenient licensing laws, a new café culture and grew the GDP of the U.K by 58%. Between 12 p.m and 12.07 precisely I lunched, pre-emptively did next Fridays Times Crossword, prevented two minor wars before resting for 2 ½ minutes exactly. Then it was on to the main business of the day, I solved the world oil crisis, brought peace to the Middle East and resolved the mysteries of atomic fusion prior to mapping the Pacific Ocean floor and scaling Everest on one foot. More of the afternoons work tomorrow…………………………………………………….