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"I
say you chaps, Bunce has jolly well got of its
arse and produced something of use for us love
lorn types, read on and weep ..." Well
Rather
.............................................
Using
a specially commissioned Heuristic Algorithm*,
the EggHeads
 at
Bunce R&D
have created an artificially intelligent computer that believes
it is Half Terry Thomas, Half Leslie Phillips.
*if anyone can tell us what this means we would
be grateful if you could tell us so we feel
better about the expense involved! Oh and by the
way you chaps are an absolute shawar.
Bunce Love is
the new* service from BunceFranchises inc. Send
us your lurrrrvvve related angst and we will
reply using our advanced ThomasPhillips
Heuristic response engine. We guarantee you will
find love in a totally non politically correct
context**. Read on and see the proof dear reader
................
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Dear Bunce, I have noticed a rather nice
young temp who has started in back office
services recently. I think she has noticed me
but I am at a loss as how to approach her for a
date.. please help!
Shy, Worthing
The ThomasPhillips replies :
The ThomasPhillips
replies :
Dear Shy,
I say .......Ding Dong! You lucky cad, what I'd
give to have a cracking popsie plying her temporary
wares and services around my back office!
 Take
my advice, start wearing a carnation in your lapel at
work and never let her see you without a G&T in your
hands! To aid you we have pictured here the attire a
gentleman should be seen wearing when courting some top
skirt .....
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Dear Bunce, I have been dating my girlfriend for three
years but she has just found out that I have cheated on
her 637 times and left me. I don't want it to end like
this, please help!
Randy, Manchester
The ThomasPhillips
replies
Dear Randy,
Woof Woof, you dirty dog. Been caught burying bones
in your own back yard eh? Never mind, it does not have
to end like this. Take my advice, contrive a situation
where you can beat some witless bounder in a game of
tennis just as your ex walks past. As you put the final
nail in the cads coffin, jump over
 the
net with your wooden racket in hand, long white slacks
perfectly pressed and moustache brylcreemed into place.
As she witnesses this athleticism she will be unable to
resist you and will melt into your arms. Let your
trembling, excited lips press together once... just once
and with a lump in your throat tell her that you can't
put her through it again! Hey presto you've dumped her,
you feel godlike, she rightly feels dispicable and
everything is right with the world again!
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Dear Bunce Despite my dashing good looks and a bulge in
my trousers to die for, I still dont seem to have any
luck with girls. I am close to despair, what can I do ?
Buttrocks Smithe, Basingstoke
The ThomasPhillips
replies
Dear Buttrocks,
Plainly from your address, you are on a loser to
start with. Our advice is firstly, move Esher or
somewhere jolly nice on the Thames will begin to give
you the edge. Next you need to
 buy
yourself a smart little runabout, bound to get the
ladies swooning and asking about your smoothly polished
gear knob. And for gods sake get yourself a haircut and
a large tub of Brylcreem. |
