|
Eastbourne,
Sussex. After finishing his A levels in
May, 17 year old Kevin Saunders has wasted no
time in discovering the world beyond just his
Hotmail account and MSN messenger. "I guess
that I hadn't realised what an educational tool
the internet was?" offered Kevin as he sat
gazing at the unopened Barclaycard bill
belonging to his father Jonathan Saunders (51).
"It started when a really cool chick called
Sam sent an email to my Hotmail account... the
subject was 'I'm hot and wet for you'. I
couldn't work out where I knew her from but it
was really kind of her to send me the link to pulseraceporn.net
. I was a little disappointed when I didn't
actually find any reference to her on the site
though....". Kevin showed a remarkable
knack for the net though once he visited the
site, "I'm one of the younger people in my
class at sixth form and won't be 18 for three
weeks.
Kevin and Father pictured with the PC he is supposed to be using for
Studying.
Some
of my friends already have credit cards but I
won't qualify 'til my birthday so when the site
said I needed a card I realised that I would
have to be innovative." Without wasting a
moment, Kevin went straight to his Dad's sock
draw and uncovered his emergency Credit card
that he reserves for use when travelling abroad.
"The site said I could cancel inside a week
and the card was only to prove my age so I
thought 'What harm can it do?". Kevin
feverishly entered the number and waited...
"It was really exciting at first and I got
so turned on that I only needed to use the site
for two minutes... if you know what I
mean?". After that initial experience Kevin
knew his life was never going to be the same
again and has set about increasing his World
Wide Web World-wiselyness, "Yeah, I'd guess
that I've joined over seventy sites now and been
'Satisfied' by them all". Kevin does have a
few words of advice for anyone wishing to tread
his path along the Information Super Highway in
the near Future, "I think it's a good idea
to bookmark the sites that you have 'visited' so
that you can return and cancel your subscription
later... because if you're like me and get dizzy
and forgetful after ejaculation you may get
sloppy and shutdown without cancelling your
subscription.. D'Oh!. I think Dad is going to
realise that the phone bill isn't due to me
looking at University Prospectuses when he opens
this Barclaycard bill!"
|
David from Preston Writes - Dear
Bunce Tech- I have a Pentium III 750 and the
sound is erratic and jumpy particularly when I
play MP3 files- what do you recommend ?
Dear David - I have spoken to a mate in the
office - apparently MP3s as you call them are
some sort of music reproduction system. I
recommend you change the needle, use a better
quality wax cylinder and perhaps stick a
shilling on the arm - and don't use the
auto-changer. Ensure the speed is set correctly
to 33, 45 or 78 rpm.
Mary from Glasgow writes -
Dear Bunce Tech- I am terrified that my children
will use the internet to look at pornography -
what tips have you to prevent them from
accessing this filth ?
Dear Mary - After much research in the office
in the name of journalism, we unstuck ourselves
from the keyboards. My mate pervy Pete
recommends a personal firewall with URL
filtering software and a huge database of all
those filthy sites (probably because it involves
visiting the sites to build the database).
Personally I would recommend sedatives, a
large roll of gaffa tape, some rope, a hefty
padlock and a sound proofed reinforced cupboard under
the stairs. I think this would prove more
than adequate in preventing the little sods from
even getting near the computer.
Joe from Norwich writes -
Dear Bunce Tech - My computer is slow and I am
at a loss to understand why. A friend who knows
about these things says I need more memory, a
bigger hard drive and a better processor. Since
he is a shifty, lying., low life bastard I
thought I'd ask you. PS I am running a 286 with
4MB of RAM and a 127 Meg hard drive
Dear Joe - An easy one - you need to move
your computer upstairs, the lower atmospheric
pressure and reduction in gravity will improve
things no end. Also consider turning the
computer upside down as data will jump from
the hard disk more easily. Another top tip is to
avoid any work that involves using text or
graphics on your computer, and - yes -your
friend obviously is a shifty, lying., low life
bastard.
Mary from Ongar Writes -
Dear Bunce Tech - I think my computer has a
virus, I keep losing my shopping lists and it
seems that my hard disk has become scratched. Do
I need Beechams powders or should I douse it in
Jeyes fluid.
Dear Mary - Suggest you drop it of a bridge
on the m25.
|
