|
 Alfie
Nachos spent 20 years as a Fruit and Veg Stallholder in
Petticoat lane market, East London... Now a Highly Paid
IT Management Consultant, Alfie invites us to share in
his world by answering the questions Bunce readers
have sent in.
Q1: 'Alfie, how did you make the jump
from Barrow Boy to IT consultant.. and Why?'
A: Good Question that me old mucker.
Twelve months ago I saw a BBC3 documentary on DotCom
consultancy and knew that me 'Earthy' Commonsense
approach to Problem-solving had found a new calling. I
had a butchers on Jobserve for an opening but they all
wanted degrees and MBAs. I 'adn't got enough money to
buy them at 'The Axe' pub I frequent so I started me own
company and wollah 'ere I am.
Q2: 'Alfie, do you power dress?'
A:Abso-fucking-lootly! If you wanna Talk
the Talk.. you gotta walk the walk and 'ow can you walk
like a man if you're dressed luck a wanking monkey? Well
you can't can ya! So, day 1, task 1, buy a classy
sheepskin overcoat. I wear mine to all meetings (even in
the summer) and I know that I have left an impression by
the looks I get when I walk in... and upon leaving!
|
Bunce Says - You'll never look at Palm Trees in
the same light again!
Q3: 'Alfie, have you got a top
negotiating tip for an up and coming businessman when
trying to win a contract from a new client?'
A: No, I haven't got one .. I've got
thousands! I won't bore you with them all but as my old
Dad used to say when I brought up the subject of pocket
money rises, 'If you aint got the coconuts, don't expect
to suck on my Hairy Nut milk!
Q4: 'Alfie, Do you have any time
management tips for dealing with awkward customers?'
A:This is a tricky situation that often
comes up. To maximise your profitability, you often
double book yourself and then some selfish twat of a
client actually wants you to do some work for the money.
My advice is 'Know your customer, study him, nurture him
and above all understand him' Then decide which one has
the Biggest Dick and do his work first. This might seem
sexist if your client is a woman, in which case do it
for the one with the biggest tits.. especially if she
looks like she will go like a train.... Phwoooar!
Q5:'Finally Alfie, do you have any tips
for dealing with clients who refuse to pay?'
A: As you can imagine, in todays climate
I get this a lot. Some people might resort to
threatening clients with physical violence but that's
not my style. I Threaten their families and torch their
houses instead.. after all actions speak louder than
words!
Thanks to Alfie for those wise words...
log on soon for more 'This is My World' wisdom from the Bunce.
|
