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Mere
mortals, as you quake at my mere presence, pause to
consider my achievements listed below. See the
proof before your eyes of my superiority.
Marvel
at my feats, wonder at my superhuman endeavours and
legendary exploits |
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I
am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and
crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train
stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I
woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing,
I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging
speed, and cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty
minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love,
and an outlaw in
Peru
.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the
Amazon
Basin
from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass
cello, I was scouted by the Saints, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang
gliding.
On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a
concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen,
yet I receive fan mail.
Last summer I toured
South Africa
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I have
a batting average of 400. My deft floral arrangements
have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with
deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick
and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket.
I have performed several covert operations with the SAS.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair.
While on vacation in
Canada
, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists
who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do
not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, frolic, and my bills are
all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate
in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but I forgot
to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course
meals using only pasta and a toaster oven. I breed prize
winning clams.
I have won bullfights in
San Juan
, cliff-diving competitions in
Sri Lanka
, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
gigged with Elvis
|
Jamie
Banques - A legend is born
