|
 With
terrorism and world debt reduction capturing all the
headlines in the UK, the UN has taken it upon itself to
highlight the disaster being inflicted upon Gnome-kind
during the current 'Bum-Mushroom' epidemic.
What Are Bum-Mushrooms?
For those of you living in a cave or
simply in denial, Bunce Medic 'Baz Jenster' provides an
explanation; 'Bum-Mushrooms are a fungicidal infection
of the anus that has been sweeping across the UK. The
Bum-Mushrooms (known as BM's) start off as small red
welts which bleed to the touch much like piles. In fact,
they are commonly mis-diagnosed as piles in the early
stages. Relief can be found by sitting in 2 litre tubs
of ice-cream or sitting on a freezer cooled haemmhorroid
cushion. If allowed to go untreated, they become larger
and eventually develop into large toadstools with
distinctive white spots on. It really is best to seek
surgery in the early stages to avoid complications. It
can be caught from all manner of unseemly nastiness such
as rimming with a sore throat and putting fingers where
they don't belong.. so cut it out!' said Baz.
Why Are the UN involved?
As though the spread of
BM's isn't enough for the UK to deal with, a further
complication has arisen. As the BM's develop into fully
developed Toadstools, stray Gnomes are attracted to move
in. Bunce 'Gnome-Affairs' spokesman Dirty 'H' takes up
the case, 'It has become apparent that Late-stage BM's
provide an ideal habitat for homeless Gnomes and they
have been bringing their rods to sufferers anuses and
perching themselves on top of their toadstools. The
Gnomes then cast their rods into 'the brown well' and
attempt to catch wellington boots and old car tyres.
These poor innocent Gnomes do not realise the suffering
they cause for the patient or the extreme danger they
are putting themselves in. One sufferer (Mrs.X) didn't
realise how far things had developed and inadvertently
sat on a flat stone wall without her haemmhorroid
cushion. She wept as she recalled the sound of snapping
fishing rods and the muffled screams of the Gnomes as
she committed mass Gnome-icide. Now The UN have become
involved to try and stop this kind of casual atrocity
from occurring again.'
|
Bunce Says -
All we are saying 'Is Give your Crease a
Chance!'
  A
victim of Gnom-icide and Mrs.X.
What Can be Done?
The RSPCG (Royal
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Gnomes)
is building a massive Toadstool rich pond in
Hyde Park to house all the stray Gnomes after
the BM's have been surgically removed. However,
this may take several months still so in the
mean time here are some tips for dealing with
the issue:
1) Carry a
Haemmhorroid Cushion everywhere. Never attempt
to sit on an un-cushioned surface.
2) Sprinkle
matchbox car tyres and lego-man wellington boots
on your anus at night, this should keep them
happy and aid sleep.
3) If you have a
desk job where you are expected to be seated for
several hours at a time, try kneeling on your
chair with your buttocks exposed to let some air
in. This will ease irritation and let the little
fellahs get some light!
|
